Holiday Custody Arrangements

The Holidays are coming and we are moving full on into what I call divorce season. When families that are teetering on the edge of breaking up, the stress and togetherness of the holidays are often the last straw. At the beginning of the holiday season, I often get calls asking questions in preparation for filing after the new year when tax season hits. For those that are already divorced, when the holidays are just around the corner, I prepare myself for the inevitable spats over exchanges and who’s holiday it is and what day it starts. Thanksgiving break used to be just an extended weekend but it has turned into a full week off for many schools and this often results in fights. Inevitably someone is made about that or that the kids will be gone for the holiday and 2 weekends which isn’t fair unless of course it's their year in which case of course it's fair. For the holidays, divorced parents have 2 choices, they can communicate and work it out or they can follow the standard parenting holiday schedule which is attached to the divorce decree. Generally under the standard schedule, parents alternate holidays and who ever has Thanksgiving has the kids from the time school gets out for the holiday until the evening before school resumes. That may be from the Friday before Thanksgiving until the Sunday after or it may be from Wednesday evening until Sunday or some other combination. The holiday schedule also supersedes the regular schedule, so depending on how your weekends fall, the parent having the Thanksgiving holiday could end up with all or nearly all of the weekends in November. I encourage my clients to be cooperative and to share their children over the holiday even if their ex doesn’t reciprocate the favor. Why? Because your children are watching, and whether they say something or not, they know what you did and it shows them who you are. Be the bigger parent. Nevertheless, every holiday season the majority of them have a fight over who gets the kids and when. I always ask myself “why does it have to be this way?” You see I may make my living off of these disputes, but I’d much rather that they didn’t happen since it's the kids that are hurt more than anything. The holidays and frankly anytime off of school should be a bit of a magical time for kids, a time to just be a kid especially in today’s scheduled lifestyle. Shared parenting schedules makes that very hard and parents have to try harder to make the magic happen for their kids. This starts with not involving little kids with adult problems. Like many others, I am a divorced parent and I have to share my children over the holiday season even though they have reached adulthood. That first year after the divorce, I quickly realized that I did not like not having my children with me to experience the holidays. I also saw the stress that they went through feeling pulled between the differing homes. So I worked hard not to put them in the middle and not let my anger interfere with my kids' holidays. So every year when I schedule my holiday plans, I always keep in mind the holiday traditions that I know the other side of the family keeps. My former mother in law always plans Thanksgiving for lunch, so I schedule our plans for dinner so the kids have plenty of time to visit with both families. On Christmas, I work around their schedule too and allow the kids to move freely between homes. Now it may be easier because my kids are older, but we work together so the kids do not have to choose who to be with. Doing this allows our kids to have a full holiday with all of their family and not feel like they are forced to choose sides. I have to also admit that I’m not always altruistic about it, I get grumpy when I would rather do something on my own schedule or not worry about what someone else is doing but I remind myself that I am responsible for teaching my children to be good people. That lesson starts at home with the kind of example that I set. With Halloween happening next week and Thanksgiving just around the corner, I encourage everyone to think about the example that you set for your children when sharing with their other parent over the holidays. Do you fight every choice and option presented by the other parent out of spite or do you work to ensure your children have the best holiday experience with their entire family? They will not remember the gifts from year to year as adults but they will remember the joy of spending time with their family and the parent who made that experience kind and enjoyable rather than stressful.